“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
– Mark Twain
When you read this quote, what is the first thing that pops into your mind?
It reminds me of the beginning of COVID-19 (for us), in March 2020. Fear was spreading faster than the virus, and everything was being shut down. We were watching the news to get updates daily on where it was moving to, and who it was affecting and how. At that time there were still a lot of unknowns, and the boys got scared. They were nine and eleven at the time.
I sat them down and explained to them that they have two choices:
- Let the fear of the possibility of getting covid take over their lives and dictate their actions, or
- Continue living their lives (safely and courteously) and not letting the stress of a “what-if” take over their health, their decisions, and their time.
Rational fears are a right-here-right-now kind of fear that make sense.
Conditioned fears (what this article is about) often rely on our brains and what-if statements. They are projections of the future.
I love the way Eckhart Tolle talks about the future. It is a mystical, made-up place. Can you visit the future? No. Only in your mind. The future is not set in stone, and dwelling on what-ifs is pointless and will only lead to anxiety (in a fear-based sense). In fact, dwelling in fear-based futures can actually bring them to pass – remember the saying, “Be careful what you wish for.”
In the present moment, where your focus should be most of the time, you are okay! When these fears start to take over your mind, take a quick moment to ground yourself; feel your body where it is, listen to the sounds around you, take a few deep breaths and feel the cool air change on its way to your lungs. Remind yourself, that right here, in this moment, everything is fine. The worries of tomorrow will take care of itself as, and if, they come up.
I’m not saying it isn’t great to think of the future and plan; however, in your day to day, your focus should be on the present, the process, the journey. Enjoying the steps. And then, if your path changes, there is no upset, no hurt, no failure, it is just the next step, bringing you to where you need to be.
So then, failing doesn’t exist.
Failure is a concept that we learn and then it is translated into our life and futures.
When a small child plays (whether it’s with toys, or creating art, or make-believe, etc) and something goes wrong, what is their reaction? The first few times, they try again. They keep trying. Sometimes it will work with effort, and sometimes frustration will set in and hopefully they learn a lesson with guidance from someone who has already learned this lesson.
The older we get, the more the concept of failing is brought into life. Whether through criticism, grades, preconceived notions, or what we are taught, we all learn about failure. And we learn to fear it. We learn that it is bad.
BUT, I am here to tell you, that failure can only be bad if you let it!!!!
Did you lose a race? Train harder. Did you fail a test? Study harder. Did you start a business that failed? Learn from the mistakes.
Every failure is an opportunity.
An opportunity to try again. To switch it up. To dream bigger. Better.
This brings me back to my new mantra – “If not this, then better.”
Great things happen when we step outside of our fear – our confidence will grow little by little. Learning to listen to you, to your gut instinct, will develop as you practise this.
And then, the most incredible thing can happen. You can befriend your fear!
Fear will no longer be debilitating.
When you are afraid of something, it’s usually for a reason. If a dream scares you, turn towards it and examine why it scares you. Typically it’ll be because you want it so badly that the fear of failure overpowers the dream.
When that fear takes over, be compassionate towards it. Don’t push it away, by doing that you are giving it power. Our first reaction to fear is to get rid of it, by any means necessary. We numb it, we silence it, we distract from it. But none of these actually deal with the fear, and what are these reactions costing you? We have been conditioned to push things under the rug, but those piles quickly make for uneven walking.
Sit with the fear, become friends with it. Learn it, inside and out.
What can you learn from it?
What can you dispel by dissecting it?
Where does it come from?
Why does it scare you?
What are you afraid of?
What will happen if this fear comes true?
Journal about these things and allow the answers to come to you. Don’t force them. Close your eyes and quiet your mind and get acquainted with what scares you. I hope you’re surprised by what shows up!
Crooked Cedar Collective 